It's hard to imagine being okay with putting yourself in harm's way. But what's the alternative? Never putting yourself in the way of anything? The only way to ever avoid being hurt is to close yourself off to any experience at all. I don't know that I want to be the kind of person who never experiences anything just because I'm scared.
I have trust issues. I have trouble trusting that people will do what they say they will do. This stems from a lot of things, not the least of them my previous marriage. But that lack of trust has bled into every area of my life, including academics.
I have had a hard time trusting that I'll be able to learn from my instructors. I believe that most of them know what they are doing. But I have trouble trusting that I'll be able to glean what I need to from them.
This class has been an exercise in trust. Trusting my instructor. Trusting myself that I can learn the material. That I can perform the tasks. That I can freaking LET GO of my need to control the outcome. Trusting that the universe knows what to give me and when.
Maybe I'm learning to trust? Can watercolor teach you that?
We practiced pours in watermedia. A mask is applied, painted in careful detail. You pour paint across the paper and then let it dry. You pull off a portion of the mask. You pour paint again. Dry. Peel. Pour. Dry. Peel. Pour. Dry. Peel. The exercise is tedious, and time consuming. But you reveal at the end, layers of transparent paint in luminous layers.
I think people in flux are like this. People learning self-awareness.
Trials are poured across us. Troubles, pain, woes, and sorrows. Those things change us, and if we bear them well, with grace and hope and a learning effort, when we peel back the next layer of mask we've kept to protect us from those pains, we reveal new possibilities for luminous change. In the end, our trials and troubles can transform us into beings of light.
I have a hard time getting to that space in Watermedia 1. There's this guy, this very loud, flamboyant, colorful, musical guy. He. Never. Stops. Talking. And singing. And laughing. And SINGING. Loudly.
I always sit next to Linda, this very friendly and brilliant artist. She recently had brain surgery, and she's still sort of recovering. I think recovering from brain surgery probably takes quite a long time. So she only has one class. This class. She does every assignment about five or ten times, to make sure it's perfect.
Linda ignores this guy. He doesn't bother her at all. I admire that.
He drives me CRAZY! I'm so sick of him and his disruptive energy.
You start something and you think, this is going to take a long time. Before you know it, two semesters have passed.
The moments crawl and the years fly by.
So I guess American Civ wasn't as in the bag as I thought. Pretty good for attending class only half the time I suppose. Crazy what a B will do to your GPA. Still on the Dean's List though, which means... absolutely nothing, as far as I can tell.
So at first it was strange to just stare for hours at a naked woman, but it's all part of the routine now. She's actually a very lovely person. And she is as still as a statue. Brilliant.
So, here are some of my very rudimentary figure drawings. I pretty much suck. But I was just thrown into it with zero instruction. Patrick has a very... loose style of teaching. I love his energy though.
He says that DaVinci had shading lines like mine, because he was left-handed. He also said I look like the Madonna and he would love to paint me someday. Isn't that nice?
Soooo.... life is crazy. And wonderful. And messy. And fabulous. And crazy.
Did I mention crazy?
Sometimes you just have to stop and look around and go, "Holy crap, what just happened?" And then say, "Oh, okay. This IS my life."
Here's my schedule for this semester:
Figure Drawing with Patrick Devonas. He's a little crazy too. And I think he's the bee's knees.
I walked into class ready for anything. Well, anything except just jumping into figure drawing with a nude model right away. But that's what happened. And all I've taken is Drawing 1. So I just try to make the best of it.
Intro to Literature with Alisha Geary. I want her to teach all my English classes forevermore.
I have a new friend from that class Kenna Hennefer. She's smart and funny and a great writer.
American Civilization - This is like, History of the World for Dummies morphing into American History. I don't think it will be a problem.
Survey of Physical Science - Because I need science, but I don't have time for SCIENCE.
And I'm engaged. To be married. My fiance is brilliant and talented and funny and tender and he treats me like I should have been treated all along, which is probably why I lerv him.
Here's my ring. Let it be known that this is why I haven't posted. The engagement, not the ring. Although, that's part of it. Wheeee.